Entry Seventy-Seven.
Tuesday, 2008.07.30, 12:36 AM CST.
One year without my mom.

MASSIVE WICKED COOL JOURNAL ENTRY COMING, FOUR ENTRIES FROM NOW.  STAY TUNED.

Well, I will try not to get too sappy.

Life is going well; Lanna and X are both doing fine, and I'm doing okay with the (relatively) new day job.  Plus, I got a massive shipment of vinyl this week, featuring dozens more rare remixes from my recent online contact.  I'm still stunned that someone out there has this archive of rare, sealed remix service issues, and that I am able to purchase them from her.  Wicked classic stuff.

However, that's not the main thing on my mind right now.  It's July 30th.  One year ago, at some point after 10:00 AM, morphine was administered to my mom to make her more comfortable since it was now inevitable that she wasn't going to leave the hospital alive.  Considering her condition, she could have gone a few more days after she started getting the morphine.  She passed away at 6:48 PM.

As of this point exactly one year ago, the decision about the morphine had already been made by my mom, and I supported it.  As of this point exactly one year ago, my mom and I had shared our last sunset together, looking out the window of Southcrest Hospital.

As of this point exactly one year ago, I knew that we'd be burying my mother soon.

I have cried about it over and over.  She wanted me to be happy and live my life, but it feels like the last year was pretty much a year of playing catch-up after her death.  I have finally gotten a good, stable new job.  Lanna and I are established in our new home, and X is growing like crazy and continuing to be adorable.  Life isn't perfect, but it'll never be.

I've tried not to let the grief overwhelm me.  I've tried to come to grips with Mom's death.  For the most part, I am successful, but I still have those moments in which I see or hear something really cool and I think, "I have to call Mom and tell her about this."

She and I talked at least once every two days.  I was her only child; she was proud of me and my personal accomplishments, and she'd been there for me through my personal failures.  She loved Lanna and was thrilled when we had X.  She wanted to live to see him grow up, too, but that just wasn't the way things went.

It is extremely surprising to think that she's been gone a year, but the fact is that she has.

I don't have to say "I miss you, Mom" here for her to know that I miss her.  I just want everyone else in the world to know that I haven't forgotten her.

More soon,

Badger

PS:  I know I usually have called her "Mum" in the Journal, but let's face it...  I called her "Mom" in real life.  That's who she was; no pretense, no show.  Just my mom.