Entry
Two Hundred Twenty-Six.
Tuesday, 2019.12.03, 11:09 PM CST.
At 48.
Current Mood: Pensive, nostalgic,
melancholy, hopeful.
Current Scent: Remember Me by Jovoy.
My
father has been dead for nine years, as of today.
He
died on my thirty-ninth birthday. Dropped dead in front of his
refrigerator. Cardiopulmonary failure.
That
evening, just after my wife gave me my birthday presents, we received
an unexpected visit from a police chaplain to deliver the news.
Birthdays
really haven't been the same after that. Fortunately, it was something
we knew was coming, and I've gotten past his death and the emotional
aftermath that came with it. We got his house cleaned out (over
a matter of years) and sold it off quite a while back. I hated
that process more than almost anything I've ever been through.
 These
days... I try to be happy. I really want to be.
I
certainly don't mean to be egotistical, but I think I look pretty good
for forty-eight. I can't believe that I'm two years away from
fifty, since (as I've mentioned numerous times over the last few years)
I still feel like I'm about twenty-five.
But...
life has not been a complete and total cakewalk.
I've
lived through an auto wreck, appendicitis, Legionnaire's Disease, and
two cancer scares. I was diagnosed with clinical depression over
fifteen years ago, and I feel its effects every day.
I've
lost both of my parents and numerous friends.
I've
been lied to, used, manipulated, and on more occasions than I would
care to count... heartbroken. I've been pushed to the point at
which I will probably never trust anyone completely again.
I
have seen things that people should probably never see, and a few wonderful
things that I hope to remember always. I've felt comfort and bliss...
and I've had points at which I've prayed for a quick, quiet death.
Many years ago, I even fashioned a noose out of a bedsheet or a robe
sash or something... but fortunately I didn't take that way out.
Please
don't let that last part worry you. I've come to the realization
that I can't end myself, because I have too many people whom I aim to
outlive (and that list continues to grow). I take medicine
for my depression, and I try to keep myself active (even when I'm staying
out of the public eye most of the time, like these days).
Plus,
I try very hard to never lose touch with how incredibly fortunate I
have been (overall) and how overwhelmingly thankful that I am for it.
Over
the course of my DJ "career," I've performed at dance clubs,
bars, homecomings, proms, a slew of weddings, reunions, corporate parties,
church events, fetish club gatherings, and, yes, even two full-on orgies.
I've
lived to celebrate thirty years of DJing, and last year I even got to
perform alongside the man who introduced me to the DJ industry.
What an incredible night that was.
Currently,
though, I find myself in a state of "hiatus" as far as DJ
performances go. I won't go into all the reasons again (see recent
posts for more information), but the main thing is that my life is changing
a lot, and I just don't enjoy public DJ performances as much as I did
when I was significantly younger. I have other projects that I
want to tackle, along with two young sons that I'm trying to raise,
and as the old saying goes, "I'm not getting any younger."
I'm
forty-eight, and I'll never be younger again. Please don't hold
that against me.
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