Entry Two Hundred Twenty-Seven.
Tuesday, 2019.12.31, 12:48 PM CST.
New Year's Eve and 1989.
Current Mood:  Nostalgic but very productive..
Current Scent:  As Dark Things Are Meant to Be Loved by Alkemia..

So, the year is finally over.  It has not been an absolute tragic year, but I'm not going to lie and say that it's been an amazing year, either.

I lost a couple of good friendships.  That stung a lot.  I had a cancer scare... that was, well, scary.  I found out that I was not breathing properly while I was asleep... so now, I sleep with a mask on my face, connected to a tube, which forces me to breathe.  My wife and I had our ups and downs, but we landed fairly securely and we're doing much better.  I made some major investments, and I had some losses.

Oh, yeah, and I pretty much got sick of DJing and kinda sorta almost practically gave it up for the foreseeable future.

But when it's all said and done... I've got my wife, I've got two healthy and amazing sons, I've got an incredible house, I've got a great "day job," I've got so many projects that I can barely focus on any of them at a time, and I'm physically doing... okay.

I may have had some major losses this year, but I feel like I'm destined to be victorious.

I hate to sound like a stereotype, but I have a feeling that 2020 is going to kick 2019's ass all the way to Detroit.

I want to mention a little bit more about 1989.  I haven't written about it enough this year, but it was an absolutely precious year for me.

Yes, it was the beginning of my senior year of high school.  And it was the year that I started my first DJ company, which means now I've been DJing for over three decades, and that's insane.

But for me, there were so many more memories than that.  It was the year that my mom and dad decided to get a swimming pool.  It was the year that the Chinese people held their protests in Tienanmen Square - it's amazing that that anniversary didn't get any real media coverage this year, but I digress.

It was the year that I heard Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus" for the first time and discovered Nine Inch Nails' first work on TVT, with the "Down in It" single that fall, and in late December, the incredible Pretty Hate Machine album.

It was the year that some drunken idiot named Lisa (if I remember correctly) from Rogers State College stumbled backwards into my mirror ball during their December winter party, knocking it off its hook and breaking it.  The college made her pay for it after she tried to give me fake information about herself to dodge responsiblity.  At the same time, I learned to start putting tape on the hook so that the new replacement mirror ball wouldn't risk suffering the same fate.

1989 was the year that I had my first real kiss (my friend-at-the-time Neddra, after junior prom).  After that, my love life went south (not that it was stellar before that) and I ended the year, on New Year's Eve, at home, in my computer room, thinking about what the world would be like if I killed myself.

I didn't attempt suicide.  I wasn't even seriously planning it.  But I sat there, quietly weeping, wishing that a particular girl in Nowata (heh) would go out with me a second time.  (I don't blame her; I was seriously a lot weirder and more immature back then than I am these days.)

I'm glad that I didn't end things.  Oh, how I wanted it to be over.  But if I had done it, I would have missed so much more.  Such good friendships, such incredible adventures, and so many fun experiences in the years to come.

Even in my very dark moments these days, I know suicide's not an option.  But back then, I felt so worn-out and so useless.  These days, even when things get incredibly dark and I feel like I gain new enemies, I know that I have to survive - if only out of spite, if not for the myriad of more positive reasons that I have.

I don't want to just survive those who have hurt me.  I want to outlive them.

And that, if nothing else, will keep me going for a mighty long time.

If you're feeling desperately sad and broken like I was... please reach out to someone you love.  Let them know what's going on.  Get help.  And remember, if you live for nothing else, keep going out of spite.

Songs that I acquired on 12" single at the very end of 1989, which will always remind me of that tearful New Year's Eve:

Expose - "Tell Me Why."
Camouflage - "Love Is a Shield."
Red Flag - "All Roads Lead to You."

Thanks, everyone.  I'll post more soon.  Happy new year to you all.

- Badger

(PS:  The badgerkelley.com site is still coming soon.  Really.)