One Hundred Thirty-Nine.
Thursday, 2011.06.09, 10:03 AM CST.
depression, suicide, and artwork.
Current Mood: Trying to relax,
somewhat successfully. Current scent: Eternity by Calvin
as a lot of you know, I've had ongoing issues with depression for years
Lately, things have been a bit worse than usual, for reasons I really
can't divulge here at this time. Over the last few months, I've
been a bit sadder, a bit more quick-to-anger, and I've become increasingly
reclusive for the most part - something I'd like to rectify soon.
mainly felt like posting this because I have the feeling people have
been concerned about me, and I figure that I should clear a few things
and I are still together and are not headed for a divorce (at least
not to my knowledge!).
and X have both been very healthy, for the most part.
still got a good "day job" and we are not out on the streets
or destitute (thank God).
not dying of some horrible illness.
- I haven't
developed any drug or alcohol problems.
- I am
not giving up DJing forever.
has recently hit some rough patches, and yes, I've been feeling quite
a bit "down" about a lot of things... but on an overall basis,
things could be an awful lot worse. All I have to do is think
about the devastation from the earthquakes in Japan, or more recently
from the tornados in nearby Joplin, and I'm immediately reminded that
all in all, there are plenty of people in this world who have it a lot
worse than I do.
or I'm "blessed." Take your pick.
who have been concerned that I might "off myself..." you shouldn't
worry. It disturbs people when someone says that he or she has
"thought of suicide" recently, but in all truth, I've thought
about suicide off and on for years - not necessarily as something I
would DO, but more along the lines of a general subject matter.
As a wise teacher of mine, Ted Foster, once told me: "Suicide
is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."
been directly affected by suicide very often (luckily), but a few years
back, one of my old ex-workmates hanged himself. Even though I
hadn't talked with him in a long time, it had an impact on me.
He left behind two young sons - a thought that I can barely fathom -
and lots of questions among his peers. I don't ever want to be
that guy. I don't ever want people - especially my son
- to wonder what happened to me, or why I couldn't be helped.
the main reasons I can't kill myself:
- I wouldn't
want to leave my son without a dad.
- My family
wouldn't be eligible to receive my life insurance benefits, so they'd
- I have
too many projects (music-related and otherwise) that I want to complete.
- I have
too many people in this world that I want to outlive.
even though I've been "down" a lot as of late... I'm not giving
up. I have no plans on "catching the bus" and checking
out any time soon. Okay? :)
of the Badger.
As many of
you may have heard, I have started doing paintings. It's kind
of therapeutic, and it's nice to have another way to express myself
creatively. I generally have fun with them; I don't take most
of my paintings too seriously.
are three of my paintings so far...
May Be Dying Now, But You Loved Me Once."
These Three Arbitrary Religious Figures Walk Into a Bar."
of the Spider."
plan on having an exhibit in Tulsa sometime in the late summer/early
fall, and many of my paintings will be for sale via my website soon
as well. (In fact, I've already got pending deals for a couple
of them. Woo hoo!)
you'd like to see more of my paintings before I have the "art"
section of my site ready, please visit my
Facebook page and look for the "Original Badger Artwork"