Entry One Hundred Thirty-Nine.
Thursday, 2011.06.09, 10:03 AM CST.
About depression, suicide, and artwork.
Current Mood:  Trying to relax, somewhat successfully.  Current scent:  Eternity by Calvin Klein.

Well, as a lot of you know, I've had ongoing issues with depression for years upon years.

Lately, things have been a bit worse than usual, for reasons I really can't divulge here at this time.  Over the last few months, I've been a bit sadder, a bit more quick-to-anger, and I've become increasingly reclusive for the most part - something I'd like to rectify soon.

I mainly felt like posting this because I have the feeling people have been concerned about me, and I figure that I should clear a few things up:

• Lanna and I are still together and are not headed for a divorce (at least not to my knowledge!).
• Lanna and X have both been very healthy, for the most part.
• I've still got a good "day job" and we are not out on the streets or destitute (thank God).
• I'm not dying of some horrible illness.
• I haven't developed any drug or alcohol problems.
• I am not giving up DJing forever.

My life has recently hit some rough patches, and yes, I've been feeling quite a bit "down" about a lot of things... but on an overall basis, things could be an awful lot worse.  All I have to do is think about the devastation from the earthquakes in Japan, or more recently from the tornados in nearby Joplin, and I'm immediately reminded that all in all, there are plenty of people in this world who have it a lot worse than I do.

I'm lucky... or I'm "blessed."  Take your pick.

For those who have been concerned that I might "off myself..." you shouldn't worry.  It disturbs people when someone says that he or she has "thought of suicide" recently, but in all truth, I've thought about suicide off and on for years - not necessarily as something I would DO, but more along the lines of a general subject matter.  As a wise teacher of mine, Ted Foster, once told me:  "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

I haven't been directly affected by suicide very often (luckily), but a few years back, one of my old ex-workmates hanged himself.  Even though I hadn't talked with him in a long time, it had an impact on me.  He left behind two young sons - a thought that I can barely fathom - and lots of questions among his peers.  I don't ever want to be that guy.  I don't ever want people - especially my son - to wonder what happened to me, or why I couldn't be helped.

Here are the main reasons I can't kill myself:

• I wouldn't want to leave my son without a dad.
• My family wouldn't be eligible to receive my life insurance benefits, so they'd be screwed.
• I have too many projects (music-related and otherwise) that I want to complete.
• Various religious reasons.
• I have too many people in this world that I want to outlive.

So, even though I've been "down" a lot as of late... I'm not giving up.  I have no plans on "catching the bus" and checking out any time soon.  Okay?  :)

Art of the Badger.
As many of you may have heard, I have started doing paintings.  It's kind of therapeutic, and it's nice to have another way to express myself creatively.  I generally have fun with them; I don't take most of my paintings too seriously.

Here are three of my paintings so far...

• "I May Be Dying Now, But You Loved Me Once."
• "So These Three Arbitrary Religious Figures Walk Into a Bar."
• "Day of the Spider."

I plan on having an exhibit in Tulsa sometime in the late summer/early fall, and many of my paintings will be for sale via my website soon as well.  (In fact, I've already got pending deals for a couple of them.  Woo hoo!)

If you'd like to see more of my paintings before I have the "art" section of my site ready, please visit my Facebook page and look for the "Original Badger Artwork" photo album.

More updates soon!

Badger